This will definitely make you laugh!  Last week I trained a class on how to create Cold Emails That Get Results.  It reminded me of the email below which is the perfect example of what NOT to do. This is an actual email that was received by one of my clients. The italicized smart alec comments were created by my good friend and marketing genius, Pete Monfre, and have been added for your reading pleasure!  The names have been changed to protect the sales-challenged.

Remember “Marketing Brochure Speak” doesn’t sell! Neither does “me” centered selling.  Be sure to count how many times the author uses I, Me or Our. Use this at your own risk!  Enjoy!

“Thank you very much for the opportunity to speak with you regarding Common Sense Research Services.”

• I haven’t given him the opportunity – I’ve never spoke to him or heard of him. Nice trick though.

“I’m happy to introduce myself as the Regional Director of Business Development for your area.”

• Good for you. I’m glad you are happy. Do you want a cookie?

“I have been serving the market research industry for over a decade and am well acquainted with our services and how they might align with your particular service needs.”

• I’m glad he’s well acquainted with his own services. How could he know what my “particular service needs” are?

“Please review the attached marketing information and be sure to contact me if you have any questions. I will follow up this email with a phone call within the coming weeks to explore in detail how Common Sense Research Services can be positioned as a research partner.”

• Oh, boy! I can’t wait to read about why you think you are great.

“I look forward to serving you with enthusiasm and passion, making our commitment of gold standard service a top priority.”

• Is he hitting on me?

“Thank you very much.”

• Don’t mention it.

Warmest regards,

Dave (Aren’t you Glad this Isn’t You?) NoSale
Director, Business Development
Common Sense Research Servicee