I’ve recently met a number of people who would like to change a major component of their lives. Many of them are looking for some type of work that more suits them and others are seeking a significant relationship. As we discuss what is holding them back from making progress, I hear the same stories over and over. “I’ve been told that I need to network, but I don’t really feel comfortable selling myself in that way.” “I hate job hunting and being told that I’m over- or under-qualified.” “I don’t really know how to get out and meet new people.”

All of these people are suffering from a lack of confidence.

So why don’t we feel more confident? All of us have had accomplishments in our lives, and we have all learned how to do many things. And yet, we continue to believe that we aren’t able to do, have, or be what we want.

Yet, we all have the power to create for ourselves the lives we are seeking. If we believe that we can accomplish something, we will find a way. Self-confidence is the secret ingredient to manifesting our desires.

Below are some ways to increase your self confidence and begin to believe in yourself.

Question the stories you tell yourself.

Often the lack of confidence that we feel comes from a story that we have told ourselves for a long time. A story that says, “I can’t do that” or “I’m not good enough.” Many times this story actually comes from a message we received as we were growing up.

Parents may send messages that they question our ability to take care of ourselves. These messages, intentional or not, come from their fears about our safety. Mothers caution their children to “be careful!” and may even tell horror stories about other children who did not do what they were told. Whether intended or not, children often hear these messages as evidence that their parents do not have confidence in them. This may even create a belief that we aren’t good enough.

We may also have feelings of inadequacy due to our tendency to constantly compare ourselves to our friends and acquaintances. We seem to believe that every one else is better at doing things and we can’t measure up. What is really true is that everyone has their difficulties, but these difficulties may not be obvious to us-they may not be sharing the information with us because it makes them feel inadequate! We end up believing these stories from childhood that are based on misconceptions.

To build your confidence, be aware when your feelings of inadequacy are based on these stories from your past. Question your beliefs of not being good enough. Ask yourself if your beliefs serve you or hold you back. Ask the question, “is it true?” When you look at the facts, you will see that your beliefs are based on old feelings and not on reality.

Redefine “success” and “failure.”

As we find ourselves struggling with finding the confidence to do the things we need to do to create change in our lives, we may have trouble finding successes in our lives and feel haunted by our failures. When we see ourselves as having failed when we’ve tried new things, it makes it so much more difficult to belief in our ability to make changes.

One exercise that can really help to increase your level of confidence is to reframe your thoughts about what constitutes success and how you perceive failure. Each day, list something that you have done well, regardless how small or routine that thing is. Note that as a “success.” When something happens that feels like a failure, when you feel that you didn’t do it well, list that as well. Then turn it around. Instead of thinking of it as a failure, recognize the learning opportunity that came from this event. Write down the lesson that you learned, and you will begin to develop the awareness that there are no failures, only experiments, and that you have learned how not to do something. Now it doesn’t seem like a failure, but only a step on the road to success.

Try something outside your comfort zone.

Our fears about failure or rejection can cause a lack of confidence as well. We may just be afraid that we won’t do something “right” or that we will look foolish. This can create an inability to try new things, something that doesn’t feel comfortable.

These fears can be lessened by taking baby steps just outside that comfort zone. As you take these steps and see that you can accomplish what you had hoped, you will gain confidence in your abilities. Interestingly, though, these steps create increased confidence regardless of the outcome. Even when things don’t turn out as you had wanted, you will learn that the world doesn’t end-that you have the ability to handle setbacks. Recognizing the learning opportunity from the experience will increase your confidence even more.

Change the way you talk to yourself.

We all know the voice inside our heads that hold us back. That voice that tells us we “can’t” do something, creating feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. When the voice says “I can’t go to dinner with my friends because I have to work on my presentation,” it creates the feeling that we are not in control of our lives, that outside influences require us to do something. It really isn’t true that I can’t go to dinner; what is true is that I am choosing to work on my presentation instead so that I can feel more prepared.

Realize that you do have choices in every situation, and change your language. It is important to use powerful language when talking to yourself as well as to others. While you may not be able to control every event that happens in your life, you do have control over your thoughts, words and actions IN THIS MOMENT. Instead of saying “I can’t” say “I would love to go to dinner, but I really want to get work done on this presentation instead.” This type of language shows that you are in control and are responsible for your actions.

You will feel more confidence as you recognize the choices that you are making.

Become more centered.

Being centered is a feeling of being in balance and in alignment with your beliefs and values. This can make you feel a greater sense of safety and stability. You can compare it to learning to ride a bicycle or learning to ski. You have to get a feel for your center of gravity and until you can get that sense of balance, you feel like you are ready to fall over (and you may actually do so, over and over again!). Once you have developed that sense of balance, or feel centered, you can relax and enjoy the experience without that constant feeling of instability and struggle. You have a sense of “going with the flow.”

Centering also brings you closer to your intuition. Intuition is that inner sense of what you should do. It is often referred to as a “gut” feeling, because it is felt in the center of your body. Learning to rely on your intuition can bring a greater sense of confidence.

And centering can also improve your connections with other people. As you tune in more to your values and beliefs, you can feel more confident interacting with others.

So how do we become more centered? There are a number of practices that you can use to become centered. A meditation practice is one way that many people center themselves. Breathwork or a mindfulness meditation helps to focus attention on the body and alignment. Tai chi and yoga are other ways of using mental and physical techniques that use the flow of the body’s energy to center.